New Rule

After book goes live, do not - not NOT obsessively hit refresh on any site or statistic related to said book.

I'm far to wired to write. Nervous and anxious.

Preliminary reviews from ARCs have been really great--it's thrilling actually, but I'm greedy. I always want more. I want everyone who downloads this book to love Beyond Bliss as much as I do.

I've been distracted and challenged while writing Jack's story. Writing in first person is such a shift for me, and I'm worried about the output.

But for today - no writing, no obsessive number checking.

I'm going to watch an episode of Scandal and go straight to sleep after.

That feeling

There is only one feeling worse than love.

It's the feeling of knowing you're in love with someone who loves you, and the knowledge whatever it is that you feel for one another is doomed.

The feeling that whatever emotion grips you is so incredibly beautiful, it is impossible to describe, but you can't help the feeling of wanting to try...

All I wanted was you.

Ugly Uncertainty

It never goes away.

Before, I would have said I'd be happy with one download of State of Grace...but then, it was definitely more than that, and you know the idiom -- the higher you rise, the harder the fall.

I'm editing Beyond Bliss right now.  Beyond Bliss used to be called State of Affairs (get it?), but as the characters evolved, as their story evolved, I changed the title.  I love these two characters, Lucas and Sophie, but editing their backstory is a pain in my #$@#% ass.

Okay, that is my attempt at trying to be less profane.  I hope it doesn't go without due recognition.

I think because of everyday life, I'm forced into prim, proper, and appropriate, I turn into the most vile potty-mouth during my free time.

Anyway, the point is, I recognize it's a problem, and I'm trying to change.

I'm blogging right now because I don't know what the hell I'm doing.  I'm trying to turn BB into a final product.  I'm trying to forget about everything happening in the periphery that has me distracted and slightly heartbroken.  I'm trying to not let it all turn me bitter and angry, and I'm trying to figure out how I can make amends to those in my life who've been victim to my growing freak-out about what's going on.

I hate when the ugly things happening to you make you say ugly things, turning you ugly.

I spent some time today going through old pictures.  Pictures of me with friends during various events...a girl who I can now admit was beautiful, but was so terribly insecure, she kept trying for more and never realized what was right in front of her.

I miss that girl.

I miss the smile, blinding and bright and truly happy--in every single photograph.

Because she turned into a woman that doesn't smile like that anymore.

I wish I could go back and tell her to do things differently...

But then I might not have State of Grace or Beyond Bliss.  Going back to that happy but insecure girl (read: ignorant) also means the possibility of not fulfilling something I've dreamed of since I was a young child.

Anyway, I'm still in knots about releasing BB.  Even though each negative review of SOG throws shards of glass into my soul, and I'm not under any delusions about what I've written, reception has been fairly positive.  Pop fiction is as such.

But I hope people love BB.

If only because I love it.